The Silverback's Guide
Retiring 'Man Up'
Is it time to retire 'man up'?
The manifesto's view: keep the standard, change the lines. 'Toughen up' can mean have another go, which is fair when the person can respond. It can also mean stop making me uncomfortable with your feelings, which leaves the other bloke alone with the problem.
Chapter three of the Expanded Manifesto, Retiring the Old Script, is subtitled 'You can keep your backbone and change your lines.' A fictional dad, Mitchell, gets an email from the school: his son has shoved another kid. When the boy starts crying, Mitchell hears himself say 'Toughen up and tell me', in an older man's voice. He starts again: 'You can be upset. I still need to understand what happened.' The second sentence keeps the standard. The first makes room for the truth to arrive. The chapter gives 'she'll be right' a fair hearing too: sometimes it means the risk has been checked, and sometimes it means nobody wants to look.
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What this covers
01
What 'toughen up' can mean, and when it leaves a bloke alone with the problem
02
Naming what is happening with ordinary words: worried, ashamed, frightened, left out
03
'She'll be right' versus checking: optimism needs a next step
04
Pauses with a return time, and why calm wording never makes threats acceptable
The Silverback says
The sign can stay on the wall. Just make sure the bloke standing underneath it is doing his share of the work.
Book One · The lead volume
The Silverback's Guide
Nine arenas. One code. A standard worth practising.
The lead volume and the foundation of the first ten books. The code, the map of all nine arenas and ninety principles to practise, in one place.
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Questions about retiring 'man up'
Is this anti-toughness?+
No. The chapter respects endurance and wants men to have more than one setting. Its closing line: 'Keep the courage that helped you through hard days. Add the words, judgement and support that might make the next hard day less lonely.'
Where is this in the books?+
Chapter three of the Expanded Manifesto. Being a Man goes further into mental health and asking for help, and both books list Australian support services, including Lifeline on 13 11 14.
What do I say instead?+
Something with a standard and room in it: 'You can be upset. I still need to understand what happened.' If you need a break, say so, say when you will come back, and then come back when you said you would.
The Nine Arenas
Which arena is on fire?
01
Being a Man
Character, purpose and the daily work of becoming dependable, including asking for help.
The field manual →
02
Money
Habits, risk and financial decisions, from the bottom of the world.
The field manual →
03
Selling
Listening, explaining value and following through. Remember the person across the table.
The field manual →
04
Conflict
Difficult conversations, composure and repair, without demanding the last word.
The field manual →
05
Bullies
From the sandpit to the nursing home. Strength without becoming another bully.
The field manual →
06
Dating
Honesty, curiosity, consent and rejection. Meet people without an exhausting performance.
The field manual →
07
Divorce
Separation, children and rebuilding. Keep your head and protect what matters.
The field manual →
08
Leadership
Decisions, responsibility and listening. The standard others experience.
The field manual →
09
Spotting a Con
Pressure, flattery and missing information. Pause before committing.
The field manual →
All 9
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